Just too busy, but fear not

Like any other blog, there will be delays here and there, and unfortunately there's been too many things going on with Christmas for me to get any posts out. Don't worry, I'm still here, and so are the newbs (damn). Posts soon to come.

Inside the Mind of a Newb

lol. If anyone is wondering, I make all the pictures for this blog myself, as in, the captions. This real-life photo explains what I forgot to mention in my Camping 101 post. I forgot to mention that ANY pro-gamer will have played every map the game has to offer so many times, they will automatically check almost every camp spot. This is another reason camping will pretty much always screw you over. Seriously, if someone kills you because you were sitting behind a box, and they came around it and instantly headshot you, don't be surprised you silly newb. Respawning completes the circle of life.

What I really want to talk about, is how newbs think. I'll start off by explaining why the Wall of Bullets shooting technique works every single time.

Wall of Bullets - For some unexplainable reason, newbs run into people shooting. For example: You're in a gunfight, and all of a sudden, you're both reloading. You stay out in the open, because your a Pro gamer, and the other guy hides behind a box. You both finish reloading, but the other guy is still behind the box. You start spamming the side of the box, and all of a sudden he pops out, and you easily kill him because the stupid newb ran into your bullets.

If you think this technique is a joke, try it. You will be so surprised lol. I'm still surprised when it happens. Here is a staged video clip I made to give all of you a better idea of how this works.


Now the reason this is in my post is not only to introduce you to another valuable gaming technique, but for us to analyze why the hell this can be used reliably. Why would anyone run into someone spraying a wall of bullets that your going to run into and die? Do you feel cocky you can own them because they are about to reload? Or is it the sudden adrenaline rush that makes you want to run out there and be part of the action? It could even be the fear of dying and letting your team down. You just NEED to reload ASAP and get back out there and kill them. You don't want to wait. As my teammate heatwave always says "DUDE! Stop being greedy! You're always thinking about yourself!"

Well? Which is it? It's all of them! The newb is quite a fascinating creature. It constantly has thousands of emotions of fear and depression flowing through its head when it's just trying to get that positive ratio it will never get. During times of extreme danger, the newb will do anything to satisfy it's current mindset, even if it involves running into a wall of bullets. Lets say a newb's mindset is "I'm totally going to get that positive ratio today!". Well, if he's on the receiving end of the Wall of Bullets technique, then of course he is going to jump out. He's thinking "OH GOD, I'M SO CLOSE! I'M 4/44 RIGHT NOW, BUT EVERY KILL COUNTS! YAAAAAAAAAA!" and then he jumps out and instantly dies. Sigh. We lose more newbs everyday this way.

Oh! I almost forgot, this will probably be the last time I do this, since I rarely want to play COD4, but here is some more screenies implementing the Pwnage Pyramid. Once again, this was just me playing randomly 3 maps in a row. As for the first screenshot, keep in mind I joined TEN (10) minutes late. lol.

Camping 101

First of all, if you constantly get high and play video games, your brain lacks the brain cells to perform Psychological Damage. You are a lost cause and I can never forgive you, /uninstall life. While your smoking drugs, I'm busy dancing around my room butt-naked to Anime music, enjoying life to the fullest. Zac and Craig (my roomates), if your reading this, its the truth. Knock before you enter. Now, onto camping.

Why do you die when your camping? BECAUSE YOU GET SURPRISED YOU STUPID NEWB! Sorry, I got emotional there. But seriously newbs, lets analyze the purpose of camping, and when you SHOULD and SHOULDN'T use it.

When You Should Camp:
When...

1. You are not a big fat newb. (Don't keep telling this to yourself to boost your confidence, because your probably a "newb who thinks he's good" by then, see my past post on this)
   
2. You have finally realized nothing will go how you want it too.
   
3. You are going to help promote the games objective, and not get more kills, unless this is the objective.
4. You are not a newb regardless of obesity.
5. You will not be the surprised one.

When You Shouldn't Camp:
When...

1. You are a big fat newb. (Keep telling yourself this, it's probably true)
   
2. You think everything will go how you want it too.
   
3. You don't care about your team, you're just a dirty pernis.
   
4. You are a newb regardless of obesity.
5. You will be the surprised one.

And if you can't comprehend all those, there is only one thing you need to realize about camping. Do not be the one who is surprised. EVERYONE who plays ANY game has this thought process that if you camp and wait for someone to come around a corner or whatever, that you will surprise them. WRONG! You fail on epic proportions if you think that when you wait for someone to come around a corner you will always surprise them. Completely ****king wrong.

Unless your playing (for examples sake Soldier of Fortune 2 or Call of Duty 4) with headphones, you are going to get screwed camping and waiting for someone almost every time. When you camp, and that person comes around a corner, and if they are somewhat decent and check their corners, you are going to be the surprised one when they shoot you in the face.

Camping too long makes YOU the surprised one, unless you have headphones, then you can use the Hacker's Delight or Happy Feet techniques (see past posts). But still, even WITH headphones, you can't rely on the fact that you will surprise them. It's completely flawed. Take a look at the high-definition screenshot below.

What you see is a classic situation, where you are behind a box, and a guy is coming. You think you are going to own him. Do you see the yellow? That's my field of vision. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU MR. NEWB! I CAN SEE JOO HIDING!

It's really not that hard to flip around and do a 360 headshot on someone behind you. If you can't do this somewhat reliably, your completely screwed. This has nothing to do with Psychological Damage, you are just bad, lmao.

Oh, and if you are thinking "why is it a 360 headshot if they are behind me? isn't that a 180 degrees?" Yes I know that you silly silly newb. 360 headshot is the term everyone uses for a 180 headshot. If you didn't know this, it's ok. I am forgiving, HOWEVER, the ninjas I have just dispatched to your current location are not.

Never underestimate the vision of another player, or a cat apparently.

The Pwnage Pyramid and You. (A "done with this semester" mega update!)

Ok, before you read this post, you need to understand a few things. I know there's plenty of gamers out there better than me at plenty of games, like Supreme Commander or Starcraft. Everyone knows that Europeans own Supreme Commander like Koreans own Starcraft. Don't even try to tell me I'm being racist or stereotypical. It is a FACT that Koreans will absolutely annihilate any Starcraft player out there, call it a "racial advantage". I don't know how they do it.

Plus, its also a proven fact that a Superbowl Quarterback is a JOKE compared to the celebrity status of a professional Starcraft player in Korea. Don't try to argue, accept it that Koreans own you at Starcraft. If you still want to argue, Click Here Picture speaks for itself, its a basic South Korean Starcraft tournament. Don't forget, these are 2 people, not a football team, the difference in status should be obvious to you now.

(I have nothing against sports btw. I just find them boring and completely un-interesting unless I'm playing them)

This is why I pretty much gave up on RTS's at an early age. I would always send in my army carelessly and build 100 of the exact same unit, lmao. ANYWAYS, this post is in regard to FPS's, games at which U.S. gamers like me own a solid 99% of newbs like you, international or not. And THIS, is the Pwnage Pyramid. A work in progress.

CLICK IT TO MAKE IT BIGGER!

I'm not going to explain it to you, because it's pretty obvious whats going on here. If this is not obvious, kill yourself, you have irreparable Psychological Damage.

Now for the fun stuff. The following are screenshots of me in random servers (sometimes the same server, map after map) doing what I always do, which is owning newbs. Please note that I know way more than you do about the fact that anyone can get an amazing ratio in a pub server. Yes, every now and then. This is me, anytime, in any server, whenever, wherever. It doesn't matter. There's other people that can do this too (not many), they just don't choose to blog about it. Infact several of my SOF2 teammates are at a level far above me in other FPS's; scary isn't it?

I have color coded the following screenshots according to the Pwnage Pyramid (just open it in a new window so you can match them), so you can see all the different species of gamer in their natural screenshot environment. As much as I would love to spam your screen with nice big pictures you don't have to click on, it's not feasible, so I put them in these cute tiny boxes for you to click on them to make them bigger!






As you might soon find, there is a dilemma that comes with these pictures I thought of the other day. The dilemma is this: Since I am so good at any FPS ever, then is this a fair judgment of these players, because they had to go up against me? The answer is: Yes. Of course its a fair judgment. How else can you diagnose Noobitis and Noob-Syndrome. This is no different from a hard exam for a class. In order to test the strength of a player, you must compare them to a professional, just like if you want to test how smart someone is, compare their scores on difficult exams.

Oh, I almost forgot. These games were all played consecutively, one after the other. It's not like each of these screenshots is a rare one-time event.

Ahh now I'm getting all excited that the semester is over! There will be plenty of time for blogging! I GUARANTEE that I will always have at least one blog a week. I will try my best for several. There are still many things scientists have yet to discover about the newb.

I lied about my updates!

So, I really really won't be able to update normally until after this coming Monday, then school is over baby! Anyways, I'm gonna try for 2 articles a week. May be a bit much, but I'll see what I can do. I know people love lots of content and they love it quickly!