Just too busy, but fear not

Like any other blog, there will be delays here and there, and unfortunately there's been too many things going on with Christmas for me to get any posts out. Don't worry, I'm still here, and so are the newbs (damn). Posts soon to come.

Inside the Mind of a Newb

lol. If anyone is wondering, I make all the pictures for this blog myself, as in, the captions. This real-life photo explains what I forgot to mention in my Camping 101 post. I forgot to mention that ANY pro-gamer will have played every map the game has to offer so many times, they will automatically check almost every camp spot. This is another reason camping will pretty much always screw you over. Seriously, if someone kills you because you were sitting behind a box, and they came around it and instantly headshot you, don't be surprised you silly newb. Respawning completes the circle of life.

What I really want to talk about, is how newbs think. I'll start off by explaining why the Wall of Bullets shooting technique works every single time.

Wall of Bullets - For some unexplainable reason, newbs run into people shooting. For example: You're in a gunfight, and all of a sudden, you're both reloading. You stay out in the open, because your a Pro gamer, and the other guy hides behind a box. You both finish reloading, but the other guy is still behind the box. You start spamming the side of the box, and all of a sudden he pops out, and you easily kill him because the stupid newb ran into your bullets.

If you think this technique is a joke, try it. You will be so surprised lol. I'm still surprised when it happens. Here is a staged video clip I made to give all of you a better idea of how this works.


Now the reason this is in my post is not only to introduce you to another valuable gaming technique, but for us to analyze why the hell this can be used reliably. Why would anyone run into someone spraying a wall of bullets that your going to run into and die? Do you feel cocky you can own them because they are about to reload? Or is it the sudden adrenaline rush that makes you want to run out there and be part of the action? It could even be the fear of dying and letting your team down. You just NEED to reload ASAP and get back out there and kill them. You don't want to wait. As my teammate heatwave always says "DUDE! Stop being greedy! You're always thinking about yourself!"

Well? Which is it? It's all of them! The newb is quite a fascinating creature. It constantly has thousands of emotions of fear and depression flowing through its head when it's just trying to get that positive ratio it will never get. During times of extreme danger, the newb will do anything to satisfy it's current mindset, even if it involves running into a wall of bullets. Lets say a newb's mindset is "I'm totally going to get that positive ratio today!". Well, if he's on the receiving end of the Wall of Bullets technique, then of course he is going to jump out. He's thinking "OH GOD, I'M SO CLOSE! I'M 4/44 RIGHT NOW, BUT EVERY KILL COUNTS! YAAAAAAAAAA!" and then he jumps out and instantly dies. Sigh. We lose more newbs everyday this way.

Oh! I almost forgot, this will probably be the last time I do this, since I rarely want to play COD4, but here is some more screenies implementing the Pwnage Pyramid. Once again, this was just me playing randomly 3 maps in a row. As for the first screenshot, keep in mind I joined TEN (10) minutes late. lol.

Camping 101

First of all, if you constantly get high and play video games, your brain lacks the brain cells to perform Psychological Damage. You are a lost cause and I can never forgive you, /uninstall life. While your smoking drugs, I'm busy dancing around my room butt-naked to Anime music, enjoying life to the fullest. Zac and Craig (my roomates), if your reading this, its the truth. Knock before you enter. Now, onto camping.

Why do you die when your camping? BECAUSE YOU GET SURPRISED YOU STUPID NEWB! Sorry, I got emotional there. But seriously newbs, lets analyze the purpose of camping, and when you SHOULD and SHOULDN'T use it.

When You Should Camp:
When...

1. You are not a big fat newb. (Don't keep telling this to yourself to boost your confidence, because your probably a "newb who thinks he's good" by then, see my past post on this)
   
2. You have finally realized nothing will go how you want it too.
   
3. You are going to help promote the games objective, and not get more kills, unless this is the objective.
4. You are not a newb regardless of obesity.
5. You will not be the surprised one.

When You Shouldn't Camp:
When...

1. You are a big fat newb. (Keep telling yourself this, it's probably true)
   
2. You think everything will go how you want it too.
   
3. You don't care about your team, you're just a dirty pernis.
   
4. You are a newb regardless of obesity.
5. You will be the surprised one.

And if you can't comprehend all those, there is only one thing you need to realize about camping. Do not be the one who is surprised. EVERYONE who plays ANY game has this thought process that if you camp and wait for someone to come around a corner or whatever, that you will surprise them. WRONG! You fail on epic proportions if you think that when you wait for someone to come around a corner you will always surprise them. Completely ****king wrong.

Unless your playing (for examples sake Soldier of Fortune 2 or Call of Duty 4) with headphones, you are going to get screwed camping and waiting for someone almost every time. When you camp, and that person comes around a corner, and if they are somewhat decent and check their corners, you are going to be the surprised one when they shoot you in the face.

Camping too long makes YOU the surprised one, unless you have headphones, then you can use the Hacker's Delight or Happy Feet techniques (see past posts). But still, even WITH headphones, you can't rely on the fact that you will surprise them. It's completely flawed. Take a look at the high-definition screenshot below.

What you see is a classic situation, where you are behind a box, and a guy is coming. You think you are going to own him. Do you see the yellow? That's my field of vision. I GOT NEWS FOR YOU MR. NEWB! I CAN SEE JOO HIDING!

It's really not that hard to flip around and do a 360 headshot on someone behind you. If you can't do this somewhat reliably, your completely screwed. This has nothing to do with Psychological Damage, you are just bad, lmao.

Oh, and if you are thinking "why is it a 360 headshot if they are behind me? isn't that a 180 degrees?" Yes I know that you silly silly newb. 360 headshot is the term everyone uses for a 180 headshot. If you didn't know this, it's ok. I am forgiving, HOWEVER, the ninjas I have just dispatched to your current location are not.

Never underestimate the vision of another player, or a cat apparently.

The Pwnage Pyramid and You. (A "done with this semester" mega update!)

Ok, before you read this post, you need to understand a few things. I know there's plenty of gamers out there better than me at plenty of games, like Supreme Commander or Starcraft. Everyone knows that Europeans own Supreme Commander like Koreans own Starcraft. Don't even try to tell me I'm being racist or stereotypical. It is a FACT that Koreans will absolutely annihilate any Starcraft player out there, call it a "racial advantage". I don't know how they do it.

Plus, its also a proven fact that a Superbowl Quarterback is a JOKE compared to the celebrity status of a professional Starcraft player in Korea. Don't try to argue, accept it that Koreans own you at Starcraft. If you still want to argue, Click Here Picture speaks for itself, its a basic South Korean Starcraft tournament. Don't forget, these are 2 people, not a football team, the difference in status should be obvious to you now.

(I have nothing against sports btw. I just find them boring and completely un-interesting unless I'm playing them)

This is why I pretty much gave up on RTS's at an early age. I would always send in my army carelessly and build 100 of the exact same unit, lmao. ANYWAYS, this post is in regard to FPS's, games at which U.S. gamers like me own a solid 99% of newbs like you, international or not. And THIS, is the Pwnage Pyramid. A work in progress.

CLICK IT TO MAKE IT BIGGER!

I'm not going to explain it to you, because it's pretty obvious whats going on here. If this is not obvious, kill yourself, you have irreparable Psychological Damage.

Now for the fun stuff. The following are screenshots of me in random servers (sometimes the same server, map after map) doing what I always do, which is owning newbs. Please note that I know way more than you do about the fact that anyone can get an amazing ratio in a pub server. Yes, every now and then. This is me, anytime, in any server, whenever, wherever. It doesn't matter. There's other people that can do this too (not many), they just don't choose to blog about it. Infact several of my SOF2 teammates are at a level far above me in other FPS's; scary isn't it?

I have color coded the following screenshots according to the Pwnage Pyramid (just open it in a new window so you can match them), so you can see all the different species of gamer in their natural screenshot environment. As much as I would love to spam your screen with nice big pictures you don't have to click on, it's not feasible, so I put them in these cute tiny boxes for you to click on them to make them bigger!






As you might soon find, there is a dilemma that comes with these pictures I thought of the other day. The dilemma is this: Since I am so good at any FPS ever, then is this a fair judgment of these players, because they had to go up against me? The answer is: Yes. Of course its a fair judgment. How else can you diagnose Noobitis and Noob-Syndrome. This is no different from a hard exam for a class. In order to test the strength of a player, you must compare them to a professional, just like if you want to test how smart someone is, compare their scores on difficult exams.

Oh, I almost forgot. These games were all played consecutively, one after the other. It's not like each of these screenshots is a rare one-time event.

Ahh now I'm getting all excited that the semester is over! There will be plenty of time for blogging! I GUARANTEE that I will always have at least one blog a week. I will try my best for several. There are still many things scientists have yet to discover about the newb.

I lied about my updates!

So, I really really won't be able to update normally until after this coming Monday, then school is over baby! Anyways, I'm gonna try for 2 articles a week. May be a bit much, but I'll see what I can do. I know people love lots of content and they love it quickly!

How even an average gamer can benefit society.

The only thing scarier in the gaming world than a newb, is a "newb who thinks he's good". We've all come across this situation. Although it usually does not last long, the encounter of a "newb that thinks he's good" is severely underestimated in the world of today, and is NOT to be taken lightly. You may already be thinking, "Wait. How can a newb that thinks he's good be bad?" WRONG! You are already a victim of Psychological Damage and don't even know it. Seek medical attention immediately, and wash mousepad and keyboard thoroughly to prevent further damage.



And no. As you can see above, the fate of a "newb who thinks their good" is not pretty. Quite messy actually.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. The Roflcopter Report is not responsible for the uncontrollable actions of a "newb who thinks he's good". It is highly recommended that a "newb who thinks he's good" is created only under the close supervision of someone who can obtain on command a 5:1 or greater ratio/score for at least 10 minutes. Any ratio/score lower during this time may result in life-threatening situations.

Because I know that anyone who tries the following may not adhere to the disclaimer due to curiosity purposes, I have dispatched small nano-bot drones into servers around the globe which perform a high-level algorithm that compares the ratios of players to that of their in-game chat.

For example: A newb has a ratio of 1:27 (yes it happens all the time, I wonder how too). That newb then, in regards to their next kill, says something along the lines of "lmao, you suck" or "wtf you newb". The nano-bots will pick this up, send a text to my phone, and alert me to join the server so I can proceed to pwn this potential "newb who thinks he's good" until they
A) Suffer so much Psychological Damage they commit suicide
or
B) Uninstall the game and/or reformat altogether
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A "newb who thinks he's good" is a newb that suddenly devolves into the lowest form of human possible, by accomplishing (newbs do not accomplish anything. ever.) getting extraordinarily lucky consecutive kills. In fact, most scientists argue that, rather than a form of gamer at all, this particular type of newb is sub-human.



Anyways, the reason this is so detrimental to society is simple: A newb is being his usual newb self. All of a sudden he gets like 5 kills in a row, because of some lucky reason, lets say, everyone had >10 health. This newb has now devolved into a "newb who thinks he's good". Now that he thinks he's good, there is a VERY high probability he will type something in chat, contradicting his brand new 6/27 ratio, making you think "what? are you serious? dude your not good." Clearly the only way to stop this "newb who thinks he's good" is to show him what's up, and pwn him until he realizes "oh damn, I thought I was doing good. Guess I'm just a big fat newb afterall (insert sadface here)".

Now, if this newb goes un-pwned, they will become a "newb who thinks he's good in real life" which is the worst possible scenario for the entire world. First, it will start out small. He will start trying to answer questions during class, and fail. He will try to say something cool amongst the company of his friends like "dude I totally went 54/3 in a CoD4 server today" and get responded with nothing but harsh reality in the form of "lulz, no you didn't, ***king newb, l2p". Now the "newb who thinks he's good in real life" has the potential to become an emo, but that will be shown later in the Pwnage Pyramid. Before you know it, he'll be popping his collar. Trust me, the last thing society needs is more people who pop their collars, end of story. (If you pop your collar, you have irreparable Psychological Damage. End your life immediately)

There's just no end to what a "newb who thinks he's good" will do in real life. Pwners and average gamers alike must unite to stop "newbs who think their good". It would basically mean letting some newb live their entire life as a lie. Do we really want newbs who think they can pwn other newbs (let alone professionals) running around? Think about it, BUT NOT TOO MUCH, as it is a very scary thought. We already know your not good you big fat newbies out there! So stop making it my job and others to repeat it to you.

There will be more on "newbs who think their good" in my next post which won't be too far away. With finals rapping up, I can return to my usual updates throughout the week :).

Damn you Colorado School of Mines!

Studying for exams is keeping me pretty busy lately. I won't be able to update until some random time this week, BUT DON'T WORRY! Great new hilarious things await you!

The most useless creature keeps you entertained.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am the worst morning person in the world. And when you combine the worst morning person in the world with a lack of sleep, then you have a real problem.

Anyways, one of the best ways I found to keep myself awake during early morning classes is drawing. I can't draw worth anything as your about to see, but that's ok, it still works. What I find most amusing, is that what I'm drawing over and over again, is the most useless creature ever created. That creature is the Grape Hippo. The only creature in the history of man to ever be denoted as "epic beyond human comprehension".


Grape Hippo - A legendary creature of myths and fables. It does absolutely nothing but drool and get eaten by birds when it's out in the open. The Grape Hippo stays hydrated by drooling in unimaginable amounts, only possible due to its incredible amount of saliva glands hidden in it's empty, useless, grape-like body. It obtains food by standing in the sunlight, using it's grape-like bubbles to perform photosynthesis several thousand times faster than a plant or tree. This accelerated-photosynthesis also creates food for other animals (mostly the birds you can see on the hippo or eating the hippo). The Grape Hippo's stem-like tail allows the creature to absorb water, or, mostly re-use its own drool, creating a never-ending puddle of nourishment.

Animal Rights Activists and vegetarians should have no trouble finding this creature a tasty treat due to the following (respectively):

1. The Grape Hippo does not care or have any feelings towards its untimely death.
2. Due to it's photosynthesis and sap-like drool, it's pretty much a tree that looks like a hippo, except covered in grapes.

I have rated the Grape Hippo using my own customized food rating system


Overall, I give the Grape Hippo a stunning 10/10. Easy to eat, easy to catch, and best of all, tastes great.


Back to the topic at hand, this is what I wind up doing during days where I'm extremely tired.
For some incomprehensible reason, unbeknown'gst to me, I draw the most useless creature ever created when I'm bored. As you can see, I try to obtain as many forms of the Grape Hippo as possible. We have "side profile", "killed you dead with arrow", "collapsing under it's own weight", and in the lower left, "person". This epic creature is somehow captivating and alluring, despite its completely useless nature. Oh and btw, please be careful of the the following quote people throw around carelessly not knowing what their saying about another person.
"You are what you eat" :)

What ruins your day? Getting respawn camped. What ruins my day? Waking up in the morning.

Ahhh, waking up in the morning. One of the biggest struggles of my entire life. I have tried all the basics just like everyone else: going to bed early, setting 1,000 alarms, sleeping in tomorrow's clothes, etc... Fortunately, I have found some methods that actually seem to work. Unfortunately, all of the methods I found can also be described as "unfortunately effective".

Spaz's Law of Frustration - If you find yourself waking up from your alarm, immediately turning it off, and then going back to bed like me, then this may help you. The idea is simple. Become so frustrated and pissed off, that you no longer want to go back to bed. Different sub-technique's to implement Spaz's Law of Frustration are:

• The "Peekaboo! I don't see you... :(" - All you have to do is hide your phone before you go to bed (I use my phone as an alarm clock), so that you have to get up, and look for it when you wake up. As we all know, no one can remember anything right before they go to bed, so hiding your phone then is the best time. I usually hide mine in a random pocket in some random pair of pants in my laundry pile (yes I can still hear it very loudly :O). As you can easily see, having a loud alarm going off while your struggling to find it can be very frustrating.

Frustration Level: Moderate
Frustration Length: High

• The "Holy Shit! I'm gonna be late!" - Wake up 3-5 minutes before you actually have to leave before being late. I naturally seem to use this method the most. And no, it's not great for remembering your homework. I would say this is a very effective tactic, because I hate being the worthless kid who comes in 10-30 minutes late.

Frustration Level: Moderate to High
Frustration Length: High

• The "Greasy Grandma" (alternative, more literal meaning) - You wake up by whatever means, but you feel like an actual greasy grandma, and just have to take a shower. One you get in the shower, you feel great and refreshed, ready to start your day. If you really want to prepare this technique for the morning, then don't take a shower the day before, forcing yourself to take a shower in the morning, or else that will make 2 days without showering, where you actual become the "Greasy Grandma" herself.
  

Frustration Level: Moderate
Frustration Length: Low

• The "Toilet. Why you so far away." - Drink lots of water before you go to bed. When you wake up, you'll find that you have to pee REALLY badly. This will wake up even the most stubborn of lazy people, as everyone eventually gets up to go to the bathroom.

Frustration Level:EXTREME
Frustration Length: Low

Don't worry. Spaz's Law of Frustration isn't the only way to wake up in the morning. These next one's are some of my favorites, and really aren't too bad.

Inspiration of Anime - Anime can be very inspiring at times, and there is no reason you can't channel this inspiration into waking up in the morning! There's two different ways to implement this.

• IT'S JUST TOO CATCHY! - My personal favorite. This method uses the power of awesome anime songs. Just set an alarm clock on your computer (you can use Windows Task Scheduler if you want to play a song, or playlist at a certain time) and let your morning be fantastic and fun! Below are two of my favorite examples
  

School Rumble Intro Song

School Rumble: Ni Gakki (sequel) Intro Song

• Remembering Your Lost Strength - Another one of my favorites. This method requires your favorite animes, and something very meaningful to you about those anime's (funny or serious) written on the wall or ceiling you look at when you wake up. Examples show: on the ceiling and on the side of the wall of my bed, respectively.
  

That's all for now. Nextime, we will discuss the detrimental effects of too much sleep, and lack of sleep.

Teamspeak Takeovers - The Mother of all Psychological Damage (A scientific process)

Teamspeak Takeover - by far the most effective and most difficult of all gaming techniques. Victims of this technique have a 95% chance of suicide in 5-10 days after realization upon noobness. Survivors are subject but not limited to the following irrevocable side effects: chronic diahrea, inability to ever get a positive ratio, lack of trust, and being clanless.

One day while playing SOF2, our clan came upon the worst clan I/we have ever witnessed in our gaming careers. The |SaW| clan. Full of nothing but indescribable and unprecedented terrible skills, this clan managed to have the most popular of SOF2 servers. Does anyone else notice this by the way? Seems to be the case in every game I've played. Anyways, at some point, me, Heatwave, and V came up with this idea to infiltrate the |SaW| clan's Teamspeak. This is how the experiment went down:

Purpose: To show newbs how bad they really are at not only the game, but life.

Materials:
1. Ridiculously bad newbs in a ridiculously bad clan, and boy, do I mean RIDICULOUSLY. (contrary to common belief, the "ridiculously bad newb" is not an endangered species. Unfortunately, this species is breeding uncontrollably.)
2. Ridiculously bad clan with Teamspeak.
3. Intelligence on all you can gather about the least active ridiculously bad newb in the ridiculously bad clan.
4. Spare time and Sunny D.

Hypothesis: Once ridiculously bad clan Teamspeak is taken control of, ridiculously bad newbs will argue with each other about how this could have happened. Arguing will escalate into a clan breakup, causing Class 5 Radiation levels of Psychological Damage. The Psychological Damage will linger in the remains of the Teamspeak until all clan members commit suicide and the Teamspeak's server bills are henceforth never paid.

Procedure: (Disclaimer: The following uses real names of real people. These names are not changed to protect anyone because all of these people committed suicide, after realizing how bad they were at everything) Heatwave found out that |SaW|'s least active player was |SaW|R3D0CT0B3R, whom which had been inactive for about 6 months.

• Phase 1: I entered the |SaW| server with the name |SaW|R3D0CT0B3R. I started talking to the |SaW| players by saying such non-suspicious things like: "A virus destroyed my computer and I had to reformat" "Can I get the teamspeak password, server password, and copies of the key's to all your homes?" (exaggerated reenacment).
• Phase 2: After obtaining the passwords with Phase 1, I proceeded to join their Teamspeak several times accomplishing a new objective each time in the following order:
  
  1. Join and disconnect quickly with the default name documenting how they have their names setup on Teamspeak.
  2. Join after waiting about 5 minutes from 1. with the name r3doctob3r to blend in with the other members.
  3. Turn off your microphone ASAP, in order to show the no-microphone connected icon, showing your computer is still broken.
  4. Remain idle, until you are dragged into their main channel, and they begin to question you. Do not worry. Act casual, and say your microphone is broken.
  5. When they tell you how to enable your microphone, do it. Re-enable your microphone, and transmit nothingness. This will make them think of new ways to fix your Teamspeak.
  6. Remain idle, documenting valuable information that would make you more of a local. We gathered such information from questions like "How's the flower shop going?" "Thought you worked from 6-9pm?" "Hey there's this >>db: guy in our server, pretty sure hes hacking". These questions were answered with "Bouncing along slowly." "Closed up shop early today, wasn't feeling well". "Yeah, >>db: has always been suspicious"
     
  7. Eventually when the time is right (trust me, you'll know when), say that you need them to enable a codec for your microphone by selecting your name and doing Ctrl+E.
  8. As soon as you obtain server admin (because their ridiculously bad newbs who didn't know they just gave me server admin), make as many accounts as fast as you can, saving the usernames and passwords in a text file.
     
  9. Tell them you'll be back later, and report back to >>db: headquarters for de-briefing
     

• Phase 3: Assign the accounts you obtained to your clan members and plan a raid on the enemy Teamspeak. Use login names such as "BIG GAY AL" "BIG GAY PATRICK" "BIG GAY STEVE" "BIG GAY LEEROY" and have everyone login at the exact same time.
• Phase 4: Immediately strip all of the |SaW| members of their server admin, herd them all into one channel and mute them. Begin talking in a classic True Lies, Arnold Schwarzenegger digitally modified terrorist voice, and say anything you like.
  
• Phase 5: Drink Sunny D for your victory of successfully completing a Teamspeak Takeover, and have fun destroying the mind of a ridiculously bad newb.
• ***Phase 6***: The newbs forget to delete an account that wasn't used in the assault. Go back in 1-2 hours later, and record the aftermath without them noticing someone random in their channel with (Rec) next to their name on..........No surprise really, because not only are we still dealing with ridiculously bad newbs in a ridiculously bad clan, we are dealing with ridiculously bad newbs in a ridiculously bad clan who have sustained the highest level of Psychological Damage possible in an instant.

***Optional or not possible, but was possible in our case

Results: Total and complete success. What we were able to record in Phase 6 was priceless. Some of the things said were "It was that darn >>db: clan John. The name of the game is infiltration, and that >>db: clan got us good." "Did Froggy do this to us?" "No it wasn't Froggy." "Are you sure Froggy didn't do this to us?" "God dammit, I told you guys Froggy didn't do this, I know him really well." "Well then who the **** did this ****" "Guy's just calm down" "No I'm not gonna calm down, we just had our **** hacked"

Conclusion: A ridiculously bad clan in shambles, a ridiculously good clan about to die from laughter, and a few empty bottles of Sunny D. Also, somewhere out irl, mysterious corpses are discovered in random states.

FAQ
Q: Is this process repeatable?
A: Yes

Q: We're any newbs harmed in the making of this technique?
A: Yes! And in real life too! But that was due to suicide, an all too common result of the highest level of Psychological Damage.

Q: Did this actually happen? And are you serious? Can a clan really be that stupid?
A: Unfortunately, yes.

The Art of Spidering and Happy Feet (no, not the movie)

Spidering

Spidering is a broad gaming technique that has many different implementations. Staying SOF2 specific, we have the following:

1. The Greasy Grandma - a series of quick shots with over 90% accuracy that "poke" (shots that dont kill the enemy but do a moderate amount of damage) the enemy into submission. A player getting Greasy Grandma'ed sounds something like this: "OUCH! Wait, what the?" *silence* "Hmmmm" *POKE POKE POKE* "WHAT THE HELL?". A fine technique to cause some heavy psychological damage.
2. Peeking Pernis - a series of shots spread out over a moderate period of time with over 70% accuracy that "poke" the enemy. This technique is to distract the enemy while teammates move in. Better players are immune to this, as they know not to waste time.
3. Flagging Pandemonium - one of the riskiest techniques. The user must have the flag, and stay alive in enemy territory as long as they can with as little movement as possible. This causes chaos for the enemy team, as they all want to desperately stop you and know exactly where you are. This makes the opponents cocky and overconfident, lowering their defenses. If you mess this one up, your teammates could yell at you!
4. Sniper in your Diapers - also known as an "Assault Sniper", a sniper in the diaper is a sniper who advances into the enemy respawn, and pokes the enemy from behind. Although hard to setup, this technique is also hard to put down once in place, like a bad chimichanga.
5. Surprise! Your not invited. - the hardest and most successful of spidering techniques. Requires full team cooperation. All teammates must temporarily hide themselves on the map, showing themselves to no enemy. Everyone then throws a surprise party for the enemy at the same time, and no, there is no cake. The "Surprise! Your not invited" is one of my favorites, as it can cause severe psychological damage putting the enemy on edge.
6. Hacker's Delight - invented and made famous by >>db:spaz, this technique involves excellent sound use. Only noobs don't know I can already hear them from their respawn. By unloading an entire clip into the door in front of you from an angle where only the enemy can see your bullets sparking, you create an immediate state of panic and alertness in the enemy. This immediately up's their defenses, but also makes them think they are about to get a free kill. WRONG. For some reason over the years, I have found that people love to run into a wall of bullets. Now you can either wait for them to run into the wall of bullets and kill them there, or, you can unload half your clip, and while still holding down the button, swing around the corner and sweep them up. This works better than you would imagine, as the surprise is far too great for them. Their immediate thoughts are "wtf h4x". Psychological Damage Level = Extreme

Here is a fine example of the Hacker's Delight in action. Immediate distress is by far the best way to cause that Psychological Damage.

Happy Feet
One of the easiest, and my all-time favorite, invented and used only by me and heatwave, Happy Feet. This technique is also a very valid tactic in Call of Duty 4, or any other FPS for that matter.

Happy Feet is where the player runs into a wall, any wall, and continues running into the wall. This creates what I like to call a "Footstep Scrambler", because any good SOF2'er knows that footsteps are critical in every part of every game type and map. By creating this "Footstep Scrambler" the enemy will become confused, and his normal sense of "He should be around this corner in about 3 seconds" is completely lost. This creates massive insecurity, causing the enemy to continue to try guessing when you will come around the corner. Eventually he will panic, run around the corner, and you can go right into a Hacker's Delight to counter. A rather delightful combo.

Psychological Damage and You

Lets get right to it.

What is "Psychological Damage" ?

Psychological Damage ([sahy-kuh-loj-i-kuhl] [dam-ij])
noun, verb, adjective, exponent

-noun
1. injury or harm to confidence: Spaz did considerable psychological damage to me when he headshot me, stole my flag, killed my family, ate all of the cookies in my fridge, and told me I should always check my corners, because hes lurking in the respawn.
-verb
2. to cause psychological damage to: Spaz stop capping our flags, your psychologically damaging us.
-adjective
3. having or causing extreme paranoia: A psychologically damaged newb, "Guys, its been 5 seconds since we've seen Spaz, CHECK YOUR CORNERS"
-exponent
4. to the power of psychological damage: newbie^(psychological damage) = Spaz will get you. ln(newbie^(psychological damage)) = uninstall

I first started using the term "Psychological Damage" when I became the best sniper in the game Soldier of Fortune 2. For starters, there is a huge difference between "Psychological Damage" and the fine art of "s***talking". Don't get me wrong, I actually used to be kind of a jacka** myself when I was pro at SOF2, but I have learned. Anyways, "Psychological Damage" as defined above, is a state of low confidence, close to that of an emo.

Example: I steal your flag 5 times (you'd be surprised, this is a fairly low number :D) using the Respawn Inversion. YOU ARE ALREADY PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGED AND YOU DONT KNOW IT!!!

At the right you can see a fine sample of psychological damage. Every flag capture is 10 points, and every kill is 1 point for those of you non-SOF2'ers. 100+ points used to be unheard of until I started all this flag capping :). As you can see here the other team was so psychologically damaged they left the server before I could even get a screenshot.


Your probably asking, but how?! How did I get psychologically damaged?! Is there a cure? Am I going to die? Actually there is no cure, and you are going to die, but, with your death, I will go on blogging, because no one cares about the victims of someone who is psychologically damaged.

By taking your flag, and capping or not capping it 5 times, you and your team are now paranoid that I am hiding somewhere. When you respawn, you will check behind you, you will check the tree's, you will check behind boxes, etc... The beauty of it is, you will look for me, but you will not find me. Why you ask? Check below :)

Key Steps for Successful Respearn Invearsion and hefty Psychological Damage:

1. Do not use the Respearn Invearsion more than 3 times in a row - By creating a mix of flag capping technique's they will search for you and not find you, forget about it, and then next time, they wont check, and you will get their flag.
2. Be as gay as possible - Intentionally letting yourself be seen in the respawn a couple of times, and dying in vain, is not really dying in vain. Run around in their respawn, cause chaos, make them waste their time. You immediately cause a state of "wtf hes in our spawn, someone check next time please"
3. If your in the lead by a few flags, keep going - Common sense. What lowers your confidence more? Losing by 3 flag caps? Or losing by 64? (this is not an exaggeration lol, yes, our clan has won by 64 flag caps, ON ONE SIDE, and 128 flag caps total)


"Psychological Damage" is obviously not only restricted to the "Respearn Invearsion". Sniping is a great way to cause some brain damage. I mean, when you try to run across the map, and all of a sudden your head pops off, your like wtf? Then you do it again, I hit you but dont kill you. Eventually, you stop going that route. How is this Psychological Damage you ask? I solely controlled your actions. Yes its scary, and so is my sniping capabilities in SOF2.

Courtesy one of my best friends and amazing gaming teammates over the years, >>db:heatwave adds his much approved 2cents on Psychological Damage, "if you headshot them every time, not only will they learn not to peek you, they will cry".

Hi there interwebs. I see what you did there. (My first blog! My first post!)

So I don't know why I didn't make my own blog earlier, but I have one now, so there. This blog will alternate between video game techniques, my daily life, anime, how anime can improve your daily life, and...wait a second. Those are all my daily life. So this blog is about the daily life of Bruce The Human Female Priest.

Before I make my first major blog post, the following is a list of my video game careers, and places you might actually know me from! I'll update this list if I remember something important.

• Ultima Online - Brother of the famous ImaNewbie
• Asherons Call - N/A
  
• Everquest - Tenchie Muyo (renamed to Tenchie Muffin due to name reported :(, Eagletalon Sneakyclaws
• Everquest 2 - Tenchie Muffinhead
• Star Wars Galaxies - N/A
  
• Dark Ages of Camelot - Ssar TheSsalad Ssniper Level 50 Albion Scout on Tristan
  
• Soldier of Fortune 2 - ace.spaz, >>db:spaz (long live ace.warrior / >>db:warrior)
• World of Warcraft - Bruce the Female Human Priest on Kel'Thuzad
• EvE Online - Lieutenant Dan

Most people know me as Spaz, more specifically, >>db:spaz / ace.spaz, the #1 sniper in Soldier of Fortune 2 for 2 years(I brag about this because I can, and if you beg to differ, then get in an ND server, set it to HK2, and get ready to uninstall, thx), or if not by my sniper reputation, by my ability to capture flags or spider people. Anyways, the first major topic I will blog about, will be Soldier of Fortune 2 techniques.

First up we have the "Respawn Inversion". The term "Respawn Inversion" is one of the more famous flag capping techniques coined and invented by me during my Soldier of Fortune 2 career. This flag capping technique is also known as the "Respearn Invearsion". Say it out loud. (Re-spear-ern In-veer-sion). Yes, its as ridiculous as it sounds. Ill explain that different pronounciation later lol. Here is a simple guide on how to do it.

How to do a simple "Respearn Invearsion"

1. Let Spaz do it.
2. Take the enemy flag, and run into the enemy respawn.
3. Stand just barely behind where the enemy team respawns.
4. When the enemy team respawns, pretend you are one of them, and follow them as if you are one of them.
5. Resist the urge to shoot them and try to kill them all, because you cannot underestimate the power a noob has to 360 headshot you.
Now you can either,
6. a) Avoid combat completely and silently dissapear into the map and cap the flag without the enemy ever seeing you, leaving them to think such lovely things like "WTF?" "Where did he go?!" "HAX" "Theres no way he couldve gotten that far already...wtf?" (my favorite)
b) Run a tad farther behind the main respawn group your running with, throw a grenade killing as many as you can, and quickly run to cap the flag, making use of the confusion you just caused with a triple grenade kill.

Why doesn't this technique fail?

This technique has many variations, and as far as I know, can only really be applied to a CTF match in Soldier of Fortune 2. This won't work in a pub server, because no one cares about pub servers. Thinking about this technique, your probably thinking the ways it could fail. Let me clarify some things for you with two quick Q/A's.

Q: Why doesn't the enemy just look behind them when they respawn?
A: Trust me, no matter how many times you remind yourself to check behind you when you respawn, you will forget. Plus, on some of the maps you can hide completely behind their respawn, and be completely hidden when they look for you.

Q: Why don't you have someone on defense the whole game?
A: No one person can guard any of the maps by themselves and check every area. Impossible. And if they can, which they can't, they won't keep it up every time.

"What the hell is the point?" "The better team always wins."
"Can this really change a matches outcome?"

True, the better team always wins. If your horrible at SOF2, like |tru| or |SaW| or some other no name clan that should've uninstalled ages ago, then you should've uninstalled ages ago. I'm gonna let my readers absorb all this ridiculous information first, and then I will bring these questions with me into the next major topic that goes right along with SOF2 techniques and the "Respearn Invearsion"